Dear [Facebook User],
I am very sad that you blocked me on Facebook… I really enjoyed looking at the deep, Shakespearean comments that your non-controlling and mentally sound boyfriend wrote on your wall. I guess this means I will actually have to be productive at work. (You might have to explain to your boyfriend what “work” is because I doubt he has ever held down a job for more than a week before calling the cops and claiming that his boss was “holding him hostage”.) Moreover, I will miss the constant reminder that your boyfriend is attracted to you. I realize this probably more for him as his memory is on par with that of Guy Pearce in Memento (has he been checked for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?).
I will also miss your boyfriend’s obsessively “loving” mother posting glittery Wordart pasted over a dramatic picture. It has been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I think you’d have to be crazy to not think her posts were nothing short of perfection. Much like her son, I will additionally miss her poetic posts on both your boyfriend’s and your wall. My favorite was her minimalist poem which was simply the word “beach?”… Beautiful. Just beautiful. And so deep.
In all seriousness though. I know we are not the best of friends but I do love you and I pray for you daily. I disagree with your decision to runaway to another state with someone who despises your loving, supportive family… But I still love you and I hope you return home soon. If you need a way back home, your friends and family can help you.
I would also like to apologize if you were offended by the things I posted. I was just trying to insert some comic relief into this dramatic life moment and I am sorry if that was lost in translation.
Finally, I am sorry that this is being posted in a public forum. But there are no other avenues with which to communicate with you.
ΑΜΔΓ,
Matthew Novak
